Shaking the very foundations of the literary world to its core, somehow, a famous bum just isn't enough to sell books these days. Pippa Middleton's first book, "Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends," a thoroughly British guide to party planning, isn't the breakout success its publishers had hoped and is languishing in the No. 303 spot on Amazon's bestsellers list. Mark Twain is rolling in his grave.
Despite a massive publicity campaign, a $635,000 advance paid by publishers Penguin to the author, and a discounted cover price (cut from $39.00 to $20.00) no one seems to be buying Middleton's book. The book sold just over 2,000 copies in its first week, and sits below "Peppa Pig's Christmas Wish" in the list of top-selling books in the U.K.
Excerpts for the book appeared in numerous publications, including the Oct. 28 issue of Parade Magazine, which featured, "tricks and treats for a royally spooky (Halloween) holiday."
At a launch event for the collection of "personal tips, favourite recipes and useful decorating ideas", the 29-year-old said, "I just feel really fortunate to be able to build a career as a writer."
Critics have had harsh words for Middleton's writing, deriding her first attempt as utterly banal.
When your party planning tips are this good, we can't imagine why.
"Because of their size, turkeys are perfect for feeding larger gatherings"
"For parties, wrap a small gift. Sit everyone in a circle and ask them to pass the parcel...'
"Outdoor seating: hay bales and tree stumps are practical"
"Store cupboards, drawers or boxes should be packed full of useful odds and ends."
While Middleton, the younger sister of the future queen of England, doesn't necessarily need to stoke publicity for herself, she may regret balking at attending the U.S. press tour for her book now. Her famous bottom wasn't enough to generate interest in a party planning guide; dumbfounding.
The press's love affair with Middleton's behind began after photos emerged from the royal wedding of her carrying sister Kate's gown train from behind showing off her rear end in her stunning white dress. The socialite's bottom has three Facebook pages, and at least one formal website dedicated to it.
The royal bride also infamously destroyed search engines across the Internet for weeks with an influx of "Kate Middleton topless" searches after the she was snapped sunbathing nude by a tabloid.
"Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Families and Friends" is a 400-page "feel-good book" that contains practical tips on how to host British-themed parties, including recipes, crafts, and games.
"It's a bit startling to achieve global recognition before the age of 30, on account of your sister, your brother-in-law, and your bottom," Middleton writes in the first sentence of the book's introduction.
Advice on picnics, camping, cocktails, and beach games is also included. Middleton, attempting to whimsically offer something for everyone, even includes games for kids, songs, poetry, a how-to on home preservation, and even a guide to star-gazing.
"It is a useful and practical journey into British-themed occasions," Pippa writes, based on her experience working for the Middleton family's online party business, Party Pieces, and for a London events-planning outfit, Table Talk.
"Celebrate" is available now. For Her Royal Hotness's sake, please buy it.